This is an exchange I had with my computer screen when I received this email, sentence by sentence:

Hello Prospective Employee,

How presumptuous!

Are you looking for a career in the Intelligence World?

Umm…

Would you like to work for a fast growing company with lots of advancement potential?

McDonald’s?

[Not McDonald’s] has been providing foreign language and intelligence support services to the United States Military for more than a decade. In addition to stateside services, we provide support and training across the world, including, but not limited to Iraq, Qatar, the United Arab Emirates, Germany, Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Guantanamo Bay.

I’ll never work in Germany! Never!

My name is [stereotypical WASP name]. I am Project Coordinator at [my little north Virginia venture]. At this time, I am seeking an experienced TS/SCI Uzbek Linguist. This position has availability in Bethesda, MD and St. Louis, MO.

Uzbekcha gapira olmaiman!

The period of performance is from July 6, 2008-July 5, 2009. All candidates must possess the following criteria:

Limited working proficiency of the following languages (one for each FTE). A minimum proficiency skill level 2 for Reading is required as defined by the Interagency Language Roundtable (ILR) Proficiency Levels or the equivalent that meets or exceeds the ILR skill level 2. For award qualification, testing must have taken place within two years prior to the date of this SOW. After award, and, at vendor expense, linguists must maintain a two year currency at level 2 or higher verified by test results submitted to the Government.

Level 2? Haha! You guys are screwed!

[blah blah blah] Arabic, Dari, French, Indonesian, Kurdish, Pashto, Uzbek and Farsi

French? Are Algerian terrorists still speaking French? That’s just so…..uh, so something. The French have a word for it.

Basic knowledge:

Familiar with computer operations

Knowledge of data retrieval/storage and generating reports

Computer skills? I know how to use Youtube. Does that count?

Demonstrated time management skills

I’m blogging instead of finishing my research proposal. That should give you a perspective on my time management skills.

Knowledge of computer programs:

Common office software i.e. Microsoft Word, Microsoft Excel and e-mail

What is Excel? No seriously, what is Excel?

Basic knowledge of geography, cartography, and Geographic Information Systems (GIS):

Basic knowledge of geography

Basic map reading skills

Skills, Knowledge and understanding of GIS applications (i.e., ArcGIS or GeoMedia Pro)

Create and edit GIS datasets then import and export datasets between GIS software and Microsoft Excel

Are you still speaking English? I didn’t understand any of that.

NGA specific/unique training may be required

Sounds ominous. Is that like Marine Corps boot camp?

Basic knowledge of research gathering:

Internet search tools

Search query: “girls of the Big Ten” + free photos. Does that count?

Library functions (query, ordering, etc.)

Some of the foreign male students at my last university would watch pornography on the computers in the library research stacks because they didn’t have enough money to have their own computers in their dorm room to watch pornography on. The inequality made me sad.

As an employee of [War Profiteering, Inc.], we offer you an excellent salary of $112K. You will also receive 10 paid holidays and 12 paid vacation days. Please do not miss a great opportunity to work with an accelerated company. I look forward to speaking with you soon.

You liars. You shameless liars. You do not pay that much. You, and every other company lie about how much you will pay translators. You then knock about 45% off of what was initially promised because translators are weenies who don’t stick up for themselves. Contractors are truthful to the guys who are hired as security because they are former marines who will pistol-whip their employers if they get lied to about salary/wages. Translators, on the other hand, go to some yuppie-ish northern Virginia/DC lounge and get drunk while complaining about how they got screwed by their employer.

Anyways, this is the first email that has come without my name at the beginning. You guys are getting lazy. But the best email by far said that the anonymous company would pay for my moving expenses to Guantanamo Bay. Really, who doesn’t have their moving expenses to Gitmo pre-paid?